It’s challenging enough to talk about intimacy and sex with a spouse or longtime partner. But if you’re single and have arthritis, it can be super intimidating to even try to date. Here’s how to look for love in all the right places.
1. Love yourself first. “When you’re a little girl, you want to grow up and find that perfect man and live happily ever after,” recalls Elizabeth Counter, 26. “But after I got systemic juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, I was convinced nobody would want me. Why would they? I’m damaged goods.”
That kind of negative thinking is common among those with arthritis – and it isn’t sexy to anyone, says certified sexuality educator Cory Silverberg, co-author of (Cleis Press, 2003). “It isolates people and keeps them from having healthy relationships.” Counter says that her mom always told her that she was more than a disease, but until she started believing it herself, she was reluctant to date. “I decided that feeling sorry for myself wasn’t very attractive,” she admits. And once she stopped seeing herself as a sick person, others did, too.
2. Find others who really understand chronic disease or disability. Online dating is hugely popular, and services like www.disableddatingclub.com and www.enablelove.com specialize in connecting disabled singles. Silverberg doesn't recommend any particular online dating site, but says such sites, in general, can offer an advantage. “What’s nice about online dating is that you can bond because of your personality and communication before you have to deal with the physical,” he says. (As always, follow common-sense safety rules when getting together with anyone you’ve met on the Internet.)
Don’t want to meet someone on the web? Sign up for the Arthritis Foundation’s Arthritis Walk or train for a marathon with the Foundation’s Joints in Motion team. You can read all about these events at www.arthritis.org.
My family, especially my twin, has always been very supportive of me. I've always been a fairly independent girl, and over the years of my ra, we've all worked together to get to a point where I can accept or ask for help, or they will offer, and it's not demeaning to me. It was really hard at first for me to adjust to needing help for simple tasks.
Now I am also lucky in that I have a boyfriend of almost 5 years, though we are long distance. And my question centers around him... The longer we date, the more I think I'll marry him, but when it comes to helping me deal with the emotional burden of ra, he fails miserably. I try to talk to him about it, but I honestly don't know that he even listens. I'm lucky to get an I love you as a response to my attempts of comfort-seeking. He seems completely disinterested anytime I bring it up, or just simply stand-offish -like he doesn't want to hear, know, or even acknowledge it has any bearing on me in anyway. And I know I have my family now to rely on, but it still hurts when he doesn't ever care or even ask me how I am feeling. I wonder... Has anyone here ever dealt with someone like this? He's good at most everything else, so I know he loves me... I just don't know if I should care about this aspect as much as I do. I think my biggest concern is that if I marry him and get no support from him in dealing with my ra, would I be able to handle that? I know my family will still be there, so I feel almost wrong trying to force him to care, especially considering we have already talked about this issue in the past, and he had made no change. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks in advance.
Where can I meet someone like you??
Thank you to all.
1) The dating sites you listed are scary. Have you ever checked these out? I skimmed a variety of them for 3 months, and the results were disappointing and quite honestly weird.
2) Some of us function "normally" in society and even hold down difficult jobs, but suffer ridiculously embarrassing problems with things like digestion and skin conditions (not even thinking about the amount of pain we're in). There's no amount of loving ourselves that is going to fix this. It makes me ill to hear that I should just "accept myself" and suddenly I will be appealing to the opposite sex. It's as if my problems will suddenly disappear. I can't tell you how many times I want to forget all my bizarre health problems and respond like a normal person. But that isn't fair to a guy who doesn't know the mess of problems he'd land into.
Just being honest. I'm not sure there is a solution for those of us with more severe complications.
At 53, I am still in very good shape (5% bodyfat) and workout 5-6 days a week.
I find that if you have a regular workout program and take a ice bath-(sit in a tub of ice water for 12-16 mins) this helps keep the pain away.
Gregory
Thanks
Leave a Comment