As you'd expect of any couple married for 33 years, Gregg and Sherrie Piburn have faced relationship issues of various complexity. Unlike many couples, the Piburns have dealt with the difficulties that come when chronic illness and marriage intertwine.
Sherrie has struggled with debilitating exhaustion, muscle pain, migraines and severe depression. After her diagnosis of fibromyalgia more than 20 years ago, “Sherrie and I learned that chronic illness can drive a couple apart or bring them to a higher level of relationship,” says Gregg. He chronicled the couple’s struggles and triumphs in Beyond Chaos: One Man’s Journey Alongside His Chronically Ill Wife, excerpted in Arthritis Today in 1999.
“Chronic illness sneaks into your house and robs from everyone who lives there,” he says. “People tend not to communicate about it. Instead, they try to hide it, or the well person says, ‘That’s my sick spouse’s problem, not my problem.”
Key to the couple’s success was realizing that chronic illness also affects the “healthy” loved one. “I know Sherrie’s experience has been much tougher than mine,” says Gregg. “But having her realize how it affected me helped us band together. We have become allies rather than competitors.”
Although she now also has osteoarthritis, Sherrie’s health has improved, and she teaches part-time. She’s learned to accept her condition and to use techniques suggested by physical and occupational therapists that help conserve her energy. She feels well enough to enjoy long walks with her husband and 2-year-old granddaughter, and accompanies Gregg when they speak nationally to couples and families facing chronic illness. Marriage and relationship issues are central to their talks.
Even Sherrie’s improvement presented a challenge to the couple’s relationship, as she reveled in a sense of independence she had not felt in many years. “When I was ill, Gregg treated me like a china doll. He was used to being the caretaker. Now I want a stronger role in our relationship than I was capable of before,” she says. “You have to hash it out again, just like when you were first married.”
Gregg agrees. “For years, I took on the role of a martyr who tried to be everything to her. I thought that was who I needed to be, but it wasn’t healthy for either of us,” he says. “With Sherrie’s help, I learned to allow her space to grow.”
Today, Sherrie and Gregg say their marriage is stronger than ever. “If you do some things that are courageous – like really being honest with one another – your relationship can grow, no matter what,” says Sherrie.
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Marriage and Chronic Illness: One Couple's Story
By Adrienne Greer Foley
ROMANIA ...... NR.TELEFON my country is: 0741274011
thus, as my experience, i hardly recomend to manage your calciume level , and avoid eating suger, avoid any coffein, have decafe coffe, have sport for at least 2 times per week for 1 hour, be happy out of stress.
bleive that whithin 3 month you see the great result.
hope all best.
The one thing I can say to people who suffer like me is stay positive and try to find the positive in what you got. God wouldn't let us be burden with more than He feels we can handle. You're going to have your bad days( trust me I do too..and I sometimes cry) but know you are a strong individual and to deal with some of the things we got to deal with only makes us stronger.
Many weekends he says he'd rather not get together if we can't we can't be sexual.
How hard it is for me to deal with. Out of the 22 years we're together, I've had severe FM for 3.5 years. Any suggestions besides changing partners, which is not an option?
I was recently diagnosed with psoriasic arthritis. I have 30yr and I usually don´t speak about it, because I think that healthly persons hardly understand me, and because, yes, I`m still afraid.
It´s still very hard.
I´m glad I find this page, and other people with similar diseases; maybe we can talk freely in here, and give us one another support.
There are days I can hardly believe can do it anymore...but I´m still here
I´ve been well after months of treatment; I change my doctor for another, I passed for an elevation of hepatic enzymes because of methotrexate...
Your entirely life changes.
I can not understand it so well by now.
Today, I did not go to work because I not feel fine. I have pain after months of remission...My knees, shoulders...but knees are very important
But I have planes, different planes; I make a career decision thinking in future.
And I want to think that everything will go fine.
The most difficult thing to me (still is), is thinking in pregnancy...It makes me feel depressed
I do not have any children by now, but i wanted to have... now it seems so far and difficult...almost impossible; I won´t forgive me if a children of mine were diagnosed with some immune disease or autism...Pregnacy is not now an option.
I can hardly discussed it with my boyfriend, he gives me support and says me "to live day by day", but it`s not so easy
At the beggining, I speak it freely with my family, a partner at job, some friends...
But when I realize they only have some kind of pitty It makes me angry so I decided not to tell no one else, except sometimes my boyfriend & mom
I`m not sure who to deal with it...but I hope I`ll do, because some of you, after years can handle with it; you give me hope
Well, after all this, I can only say that reading your stories, makes me feel better because I find other persons feels in the same way I am, and after all not everything it´s so bad and there is a light at the end
Thank you for write and share your experiencies
I read what you are going through. I also have RA and know the effect it can have on your life and how difficult it can be at times to pull yourself through. If you would like to talk, please post on here and I will give you my email address somehow privately. I'm not sure what language you speak, but I can use a translator online making it easier. We can speak in your language. You did a great job speaking English though.
Hope to hear from you.
Amy
i knowe my english is not good .but i just say .... I am a 26 years old women .i live whit RA .
i do not married. yet!
i had boyfriend .i liked sport so mach and can did it. i helped to atheres for do hard work. i was somach active persen.but now i am sad . i have too pain .
somtaimes i feel i can t continue my life. i love animals .and evere in my life help to them.i studeid plant protection and now i study hurticulture .my job is landscape design.so you can imagin how i can live whit RA ?! i need talk to you .a persene can feel what i say .
i worry a bout our wish s.
Now on sulfasalazine, NSAID and methotrexate. I work as an RN, nights.
My husband does not help me or understand the pain and fatigue. I wish I had a partner who would help. I do housework, cooking, yardwork - with almost no help.
I have a personal trainer and am busting my butt to keep my body moving. Some days it hurts to open a door. I try to keep postitive and keep moving. Plan to start yoga and try meditation.
Will probably leave my husband (of 25yrs) if he doesn't change.
will keep praying!
I am 32 year old male, whose wife is 33 and has been suffering with RA for the past 10 years. Her left knee and both elbows are deformed. I am also diabetic and my sugar level is all over the place. I am going through some deep depression due to my illness and my wife's. We don't have any children but God..do we love to. She is currently taking Methotextrate for her condition. She is a very strong woman and keeps me and her going. I am really scared about our future. Since we don't have any children, I am not sure who will look after us. Although, she is doing all the housework at the moment, I am not sure how long she will be able to keep on going. I am so scared that I won't be able to cope with work, house work and everything once she can't do it. I am also regretting the fact that we didn't try for children earlier. Now, I feel that she will not be able to have them as her knee is deformed.
Today, she fell outside the house and it broke my heart really badly. She says she is ok but i feel her knee has been affected.
Sometimes, I feel there is no God otherwise He/She wouldn't be this unkind.
I just don't know what to do anymore. The life has become very upsetting and sad for me. I also had a few dreams of going on holidays to certain destinations but I feel that those dreams have also been dashed away.
When he asks what is wrong, I tell him it's just that my ____(fill in blank) hurts and he says "how do you think I feel?" because he works at a hard job all day-then he walks off. I do a desk job.
I try so hard to get information to give to him so he can understand what I am going through but I end up tossing the info in the garbage because I feel like I am bothering him.
I am a 25 year old woman with severe Still's Disease for the past 5 years, first started when I was about 10. I'm single and living independently by myself. I'm very sorry that your wife doesn't appreciate everything you're doing for her. When RA strikes suddenly it seems like a great catastrophe that you can't possibly cope with, but over time it does get easier even as the disease progresses, physically. She is probably completely overwhelmed (I know I was) and doesn't know how to deal with it.
Honestly, I think you just need to be straight with her. Doing things on her own, though it's hard at first, will actually help her to feel MUCH MUCH BETTER (x1 000 000), and be more confident about living with this disease. Tell her you are happy to help but that you need your own time, and some nice recreation time or a date together where it's about fun and not about the RA might be a good idea. :) If she needs a lot of help moving around or with daily activities, get her to an occupational therapist to talk about devices she can use to do these things more easily. Anything she can do to feel more in control of her life with this disease is worth doing!
You might also want to think about going to counseling together, I got some counseling in the beginning and it really does help. If the AF has any education programs in your area they are FANTASTIC too.
RA isn't the end of an independent life. I do have quite severe disease all over my body (I have been in hospital for it and have active disease in virtually all joints, spine and some internal organs) for the last 5 years and am definitely disabled but I still enjoy going out for short walks and exercising as much as I can, I take pride in caring for myself, I do all cooking, keeping my home and garden and 2 cats, starting a career from home in graphic art and design, going out with my friends, dating, dancing even, sometimes! Spending time on the beach and traveling; I really do live a full and active life with arthritis. Sometimes I am literally crawling just to get to my bathroom in the morning but dammit I get myself there and feel GREAT because I DID IT! :D
Celebrate small victories over the RA with her, maybe ask her if she would like to help you wash the car! It could be a lot of wet splashy fun. ;D There is honestly no reason why you can't go out and yes, party together, I do it all the time. She might have to spend more time sitting down or go home earlier but it's much more fun with friends than it is to sit around at home watching TV and feeling sorry for yourselves! :) You both deserve to have FUN, RA or no RA.
The more she finds she can still do, and do well, if a little slower or more carefully, the more she will feel like she is the one in control of her life. It takes a lot of small steps but you really can FULLY enjoy your lives with this disease together. :D It's so hard to imagine in the beginning but it's possible.
All the best to you both, I know that marriage and family with this disease will take a lot of work when I get there myself but I think it could be great. Just think of how much stronger your relationship together will be! :)
I was dx'd with JRA at the age of 10 and I'm now 30, so I think I am a great person for you to talk to! Please feel free to e-mail me at: Nikki@ArthritisAwarenessWear.com
Take care,
Nikki
Prayers to all.
Oh dear,
My heart goes out to all of you. Tears are falling on my keyboard.
I know of your physical pain, and the memories of hiking, skiing, kayaking, walking, running, feeling pain free and then WHAM!!!!!!!!! Once you were a young athletic person or dancer or just a PERSON and now you feel left out.
Why would your friends understand the magnitude of your illness? RA? What is that? Osteo arthritis? Well we all have THAT! Although there is also a severe form. So my heart goes out to this community of sufferers with no common network of support. Cancer? Well, hey. Now you have a community. I am so sad, and so by your sides. It is so hard to have a spouse and child that WANT the old you. Some days are gloriously pain free - and you get on this MANIC high - only to overdo it and then you wake up with the usual pain.
There is this new book just released: www.cookingwitharthritis.com and the aspects of sharing recipes and our disease have helped me. I will buy, Beyond Chaos. That sounds good. Thanks for the advice, and for listening, and crying with me. I know we can all get through this. Hope...hope.
P.S. Problems began after I got milk shrimps and beer.
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