How do you feel when you’re arthritis forces you to ask someone for help? Does it upset you? Ever beat yourself up about it with thoughts and feelings of inadequacy? If the situation was reversed and a friend or loved one needed help, how would you handle it? Would you mentally break them down?
Why is it so hard to ask for help? Is it because we fear if we give in and ask for help in one area of life we’ll need it in another, then another and before we know it, we’ll be completely dependent on others?
Regardless of our needs, the fear of loosing independence is often the reason we do not ask for or accept help when it’s offered.
I’m guilty of it! I rarely ask for help. When someone is in my presence and offers assistance, I often deny the need and claim, “I can do it” (meanwhile the voice inside is shouting, “Say yes. You need help!”). When I am compelled to accept, I feel the need to contribute somehow by financial compensation, making a deal, offering an exchange or assisting with the task.
Why is that? What is so hard about allowing another person to aid me when I clearly need it? When the situation is reversed, I gladly do things for others without any thoughts of being compensated or feeling someone owes me.
Growing up, I was labeled a stubborn child. Even as young as 3 years old, I remember my parents commenting on my stubbornness. When I’m among family and everyone reminisces about the good ole’ days, there’s always a story about me being stubborn or bullheaded. As I grew older, it became a descriptive word about my personality. When I insisted on doing something for myself, instead of others understanding my reasons, they’d take offense and make comments like, “You are so stubborn” or “Why are you being bullheaded?”
For example: When I was 17 years old, my backside was severely burnt in an explosion. Since I was out of state, my family felt someone should drive me home, but I disagreed. To me, it was easier to be the driver rather than the passenger. I put the seat down so it would not touch my burns, while I sat straight up and focused on the six-hour drive. As a passenger, I would not have been comfortable sitting in that position and would have focused on my injuries, making the ride longer and harder.
Labeled a stubborn and hearing the stories, I thought it was a negative trait. However, during my adult years and since my diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis (RA), I’ve come to know my stubbornness as a means of survival rather than something to be ashamed of.
Many times I’ve said, “Arthritis has robbed me of my abilities.” Having to face daily challenges has become a way of life for me and in order to survive, I have to overcome the obstacles. Being stubborn is not a negative. It’s having the mentality to never give up. If at first I don’t succeed, I try, try again.
Yes, it is hard for me to ask for and accept help from others. On some levels, it may be a fear of loosing my independence. Perhaps it’s related to my stubbornness. It could be a means of gaining points (see Keeping Score blog). Or maybe it’s a combination of things. Whatever the reasons, when the time comes and I’m in need, I will ask, and I know there are people who are more than willing to help me.
