“Take a deep breath.”
“Hold it.”
“You can breathe.”
When you’re instructed to breathe normally after the test has been completed, do you? Not me! Even though I appear to breathe in a normal rhythm on the outside, I’m still holding my breath on the inside.
Obviously it depends on what the test is for, but I’m fairly certain if you have been diagnosed with a chronic illness like arthritis, you’ve held your breath at some point. Have you ever held it for so long it causes your chest to hurt?
In recent months, arthritis challenges have required me to take a number of tests with not so good results. Each test reveals another theory, requiring more tests, making it feel like I’m competing with Swiss freediver Peter Colat to break his Guinness World Record for holding a breath.
Living with a chronic illness means having to learn and conquer the ‘wait and see’ game. Waiting for the appointment, the test, then the result is a discipline itself. If I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s ‘the wait’ doesn’t get easier with experience.
Eighteen months ago, my team of doctors sat me down to talk about my future. Although I’d been aware of their predictions for years, I wasn’t prepared to hear – “the time is now.”
Four weeks ago, I underwent follow-up tests. Having seen the actual films, I already know the news will not be good and my challenges will continue to get harder. But it’s not up to me to draw the final conclusions. My job is to trust that my medical team will figure this out – somehow.
In all honestly, sometimes I think it’s the wait that bothers me more than the diagnosis! Waiting for the confirmation … the decisions from the experts ... the answers we seek (even when we know they don’t exist) ... for time to pass.
Every day I take a deep breath and hold it while walking to the mailbox, hoping for the team’s opinions. Although I desperately want to exhale, I’m not sure it will relieve the hurt in my chest.
Whether the wait is an hour, a week or a month, sometimes getting the result doesn’t change the situation. Have you ever gotten results that leave you feeling as inconclusive as the time you spent waiting? How horrible of a feeling is that?
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