Which has more influence over how you feel, your appearance or your health? When it comes to living with a chronic illness, is there a difference or are they one in the same?
How often does health affect your appearance, or appearance impact your health? For example, a common arthritis experience of stiffness in the neck and shoulders limits range of motion to such an extreme, making simple tasks almost impossible. Dressing, eating, driving and reaching are just a few of the motions affected by having a stiff upper body. Painful hips or knees make walking, standing and even sitting feel like you’re under siege from the enemy.
In my previous blog, “Understanding Arthritis” (9/22/10), as well as the links to other blogs, bloggers post about staying positive on the outside regardless of what is being felt on the inside. Many commented on hiding pain or putting on a happy face to spare the feelings of those around them.
But when appearance combines with health and vice versa, as described in the examples above, how (or should I ask ‘why’) do we paint on a smile?
As I’ve stated in many blogs, I do believe ‘Attitude is Everything’ and being positive IS what keeps me going. However, there are times when (for nothing else but my own sanity) I have to close the door and be honest with myself. Whether it’s removing the mask, turning a magnet upside down or setting the emotions free, reality trumps smiling. And occasionally, revealing the truth to loved ones is a necessity. In order for them to truly understand, they need to see what I am feeling.
When I do public speaking, I often use the phrase, “No one knows what goes on behind close doors.” Outside of my husband and son, nobody has ever seen me when I’m down. A few close friends and maybe a doctor or two has seen a glimpse, but that’s it!
Why do I protect people from seeing the truth? Is it because I don’t think they can handle it? Maybe. Or it could be because I can’t handle it.
Living with severe rheumatoid arthritis is complicated – beyond understanding. In the blog referenced above, Deb, who has arthritis, says it best:
"Understanding Arthritis" hmmm... I guess I really don't.
My intent of not revealing the true impact of this disease is not to be deceiving, it’s merely to live out ‘the rest of my life’ to the best of my abilities.
With current Humira, I can fake normalcy much more easily than in the first ten years of my illness. But even during those years of harsher symptoms, I pushed to put myself together nicely, did the hair, the makeup, made myself look too well to be that ill, or in that much pain or discomfort.
If I don't let it show and blend in with the healthy-normals, no one will need to know or even have the faintest hint of a problem going on behind this closed door. To survive through it all, sometimes it's just easier (conserving spoons) not to let on about it to RA-outsiders. Dealing with their emotional reactions and attempts to understand can just exhaust those spoons and the soul that much faster. It can be enough just to have to get through ever single day within our own minds and bodies. We're used to it, they're not.
Leave a Comment