When I look down at my hands, I see average sized, proportioned-to-my-body hands, 10 fingers (two crooked), wrinkled skin, scars and claw thumbs. They are definitely not normal looking and I do not have a future in hand modeling, but they’re not freakish either.
Recently I rested my right hand on a countertop while waiting for the cashier to give me change back. As I raised my hand to receive the money, she hesitated, pulled her hands back then glanced at my left hand giving a similar reaction, before finishing the exchange.
Although I noticed her flinch, hesitation and assessment of my hands, I quickly let it go because of her friendly demeanor. She was more than willing to assist me with my bags and offered to have someone take them to my car. By the time I left the store, I’d forgotten the awkward moment … until last week.
I sat down at my computer not realizing the webcam was on, aiming at the keyboard. Immediately I got a glimpse of my right hand from the view opposite of mine and reflexes pulled it back, out of the camera’s sight. After a second or two, once again I placed my hands on the keyboard and saw the same image. It was not the hand that I see everyday from my angle! Instead, the shape was deformed, one severely oversized crooked finger with a bone skinny finger next to it, complimented by neatly sewn scars and a stiff thumb turned under the palm.
Seriously, it looked like a big blob of flesh with lines, attached to my fused wrist!
Not liking what I saw (or what other people see), I continued what I needed to do then left the area. The next time I used the computer it was a repeat because the webcam was still on aimed at the keyboard. Being curious, I extended the view to include my left hand and lo-n-behold, it was just as ugly as the right! Two blobs resting on a bed of letters!
Remembering the cashier’s reaction weeks before, I found myself agreeing with her reaction. She wasn’t being mean; after all, my hands startled me when I saw them from where she stood. The difference being, while they may look freakish to some, they work for me.
Rheumatoid arthritis is wicked! It has destroyed my hands, as well as other parts of my body. But because of the advances in medical technology and creative surgeons, I am able to function somewhat; so from where I see it, looks aren’t everything!
And for the record, a hand specialist had a professional photographer take enormous pictures of my hands to display in a rehab unit. Hmmm, maybe I do have a future in hand modeling after all.
In my blog, Self Image, I share other experiences and talk about the pain that goes with how we see ourselves vs. how others see us.
Do you have visible damage to body parts caused by arthritis? Have others reacted when seeing them? How does it make you feel?
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